I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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