Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
