I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
