I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
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