I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
My balls are so social today.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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