so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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