you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
