I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
from now on my penis is your penis
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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