im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
