Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I just want to make out with him forever
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
