Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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