This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
