I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
