I'm gonna have a badass scar
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i dont even know how to be here
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
