im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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