Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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