not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
