im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I'm sobbing to NWA
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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