I swear she didn't look like that last week.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
