Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize
