listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
