It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
