The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
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