his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
