What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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