You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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