She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
