If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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