apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
