I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
