Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize
