I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
