I'm gonna have a badass scar
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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