Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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