Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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