I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
