do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
