I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
