1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
