Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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