Do you still have your period?
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
