No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
