My entire life is one complicated drinking game
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
