last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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