I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
