It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
