I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
