Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
