i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
