This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
