just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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