You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
