Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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