I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
